Psalm 38:3
a creature of extremes
I was dumb, and was humbled, and kept silence from good things: and my sorrow was renewed. (Psalm 38:3 DR)
As the Psalmist reflects upon his intention to refrain from sin, he remembers how in his zeal to avoid sin he ended up neglecting to do good. In the previous passage he noted the dangers of the tongue and how easy it is to sin by means of one’s words, and thus he set guards about his mouth to chasten his words. But now we see how far he took this in that he refused to speak at all, for he even refrained from saying good things.
This can be understood as a refusal to defend himself or vindicate his own righteousness, which could be suggested by the context of king David being cursed by Semei and refusing to retaliate or even defend his reputation, leaving it to God to vindicate him. St. Augustine notes that this kind of silence can be meritorious, for leaping to one’s self-defense can be a form of lying:
Whilst I was too much afraid of saying anything wrong, I kept silence from all that is good. For whence could I say good things, except that I heard them? “It is Thou that shall make me to hear of joy and gladness.” And “the friend of the bridegroom stands and hears Him, and rejoices on account of the bridegroom's voice,” [John 3:29] not his own. That he may speak true things, he hears what he is to say. For it is he that “speaks a lie,” that “speaks of his own.” [John 8:44] (St. Augustine, Expositions on the Psalms, 38, 4.)
St. Augustine’s point here is that if the Psalmist speaks on his own behalf and in his own defense, he speaks a lie, for he knows that he is not blameless of all sin, even if in this particular case he is. Rather, he waits to speak in his defense once God vindicates him, for then he will be speaking the truth, as having heard it, as it were, from God. He understands that the temptation to sin with his tongue is so great that it is better to allow his enemies to calumniate him than to leap to his own defense, by which he actually “leaps-over” the temptation.
That is not to say, however, that this is without consequence, for it renews in his heart the shame and reproach from his past sins and causes him to regret his silence. He had found some solace in his humility, but as he refuses to speak even what is good he finds a renewed sorrow:
Inasmuch as I had found in silence a kind of respite from a certain sorrow, that had been inflicted upon me by those who cavilled at my words, and found fault with me: and that sorrow that was caused by the cavillers, had ceased indeed; but when I held my peace even from good, my sorrow was stirred up again. I began to be more grieved at having refrained from saying what I ought to have said, than I had before been grieved by having said what I ought not. (St. Augustine, Expositions on the Psalms, 38, 4.)
St Alphonsus Liguori interprets this renewed sorrow as his conscience reproaching him for past sins and wondering if his current sorrow is justified:
“Dolor meus renovatus est.” I felt my grief renewed in thinking that I had well deserved their injuries by my sins. (St. Alphonsus Liguori, The Divine Office, 122.)
There is thus this tension between the good desire to avoid sinning with the tongue and the perhaps over-zealous and immoderate refusal to speak at all. For although the Psalmist is able to restrain his tongue, it causes him to engage in scrupulosity, for rather than completely trusting in God for his vindication, he makes his silence into a potential occasion of sin, which seems counter-intuitive. But any time we think we have “cracked the code” of avoiding sin by means of processes or actions, we should be then especially wary, as we are liable to fall:
Wherefore, he that thinketh himself to stand, let him take heed lest he fall. Let no temptation take hold on you, but such as is human. And God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which you are able: but will make also with temptation issue, that you may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:12-13 DR)
The spiritual life is a constant balance between avoiding sin and avoiding self-righteousness and pride, and it is easy to fall to one side or the other. In the balance it is generally better to hold one’s tongue than to speak, but one should not imagine that even complete silence will insulate one from the temptations of the tongue, for just as the sins of the flesh can also be committed in the heart, so the sins of the tongue. Ecclesiastes teaches:
Be not over just: and be not more wise than is necessary, lest thou become stupid. Be not overmuch wicked: and be not foolish, lest thou die before thy time. It is good that thou shouldst hold up the just, yea and from him withdraw not thy hand: for he that feareth God, neglecteth nothing. Wisdom hath strengthened the wise more than ten princes of the city. For there is no just man upon earth, that doth good, and sinneth not. (Ecclesiastes 7:17-21 DR)
It might seem counter-intuitive to imagine that one can be “over wise” or “over just,” but this passage is not speaking of wisdom or sanctification per se but rather what the Psalmist describes in an immoderate attempt to avoid sin which in itself can be a veil for self-righteousness and pride. We should have a chastened view of ourselves and our need at all times for the grace of God to help us to avoid sin. All the ways in which we might try to avoid sin are well and good, but ultimately we are not capable of doing so by our own efforts. Thus, if our zeal to avoid sin does not include and start from a reliance on God’s grace (and thus prayer, mortification, the sacraments, etc.) it might devolve into its own occasion of sin to pride and self-righteousness.
The sorrow that the Psalmist feels because of his silence can actually end up to the good if it turns him to God and His grace, for that pricking of the scrupulous conscience can be aroused to grace rather than to self-referentialism if accompanied by a right view of oneself and one’s need for God’s assistance. It is the realization of our needfulness which strikes the balance here and helps us to avoid falling into the ditch on either side:
But do not apply thy heart to all words that are spoken: lest perhaps thou hear thy servant reviling thee. For thy conscience knoweth that thou also hast often spoken evil of others. (Ecclesiastes 7:22-23 DR)
For this animation I wanted to play around with the Pixel Melt plugin some more, and so I found a nice background image and applied Pixel Melt to it and modified a lot of the properties until I found something I liked. I thought that the modulating chaos in the image captured the churning internal feeling one can have when keeping silence about something one really wants to speak about.
Enjoy.
I was dumb, and was humbled, and kept silence from good things: and my sorrow was renewed.
(Psalm 38:3 DR)
View a higher quality version of this gif here: