Psalm 38:4
when waiting becomes meditating
My heart grew hot within me: and in my meditation a fire shall flame out. (Psalm 38:4 DR)
For we humans, sometimes uncertainty and waiting is worse than an evil we might suffer. In my own life I have had many instances in respect to my health where potentially serious matters were at stake, but involved months of tests, scans, diagnoses, etc. Sometimes they have been good and sometimes they have been bad, but there is a certain catharsis in receiving something definitive, as opposed to waiting and not knowing. This holding pattern is almost worse than getting a bad diagnosis, for at least within knowledge and greater certainty—even if that certainty is bad—there is at least a place of repose, as it were. But being perpetually suspended between a potential good and a potential bad is intolerable and creates discontent.
The Psalmist understands this feeling, for he has held his tongue from both speaking evil (so that he would not sin) and vindicating himself by means of speaking the truth, for he is presently in a situation of being in-between. It is this waiting and silence in which he is suspended between outcomes and action that causes his heart to grow hot, for it’s as if he desires to do something or have something happen, whatever it may be, just so as to relieve the suspension:
And as he was in this state of wavering suspense, between speaking and holding his peace, between those who are prepared to cavil and those who are anxious to be instructed; in this state of suspense, he prays for a better place, a place different from this his present stewardship, in which man is in such difficulty and in such danger, and sighing after a certain end, when he was not to be subject to these things, when the Lord is to say to the faithful dispenser, “Enter thou into the joy of your Lord…” [Matthew 25:27]. (St. Augustine, Expositions on the Psalms, 38, 5.)
It is important to note that in St. Augustine’s reading this heart growing hot is not merely out of frustration, but out of desire for the Lord and His will. For although he desires the better place where these difficulties are relieved, he understands that this better place is not simply to have the situation resolved but to conform it to the end which is our Lord Jesus Christ. This is, after all, why he has guarded his mouth from speaking, for he wishes to avoid sin so as to be conformed into Christ’s likeness. As he directs his thoughts and heart towards that end, the tension between holding his peace and speaking the truth becomes resolved, for instead of speaking for his own ends or his own vindication he is framing his words and thoughts within that end.
In this manner the frustration and waiting which cause his heart to grow hot turns into meditation, as the expansion of the parallelism in the second half demonstrates. The heat of frustration and uncertainty transforms into the ardor of charity for God:
“And in my meditation a fire shall flame out,” such a fire as that of which the two disciples said, “Was not our heart burning within us whilst he was speaking in the way, and opened to us the Scriptures?” [Luke 24:32] Careful and attentive meditation on spiritual matters is the ordinary way to light up within us the fire of the love of God. (St. Robert Bellarmine, A Commentary on the Book of the Psalms, 38, 3.)
This animation was pretty simple, but I really liked how it turned out. I found this nice image of a heart and cut it out in Photoshop and brought it into After Effects. I animated the scale of the heart so that it would simulate beating, and then I animated some radiating circles using ellipses with strokes. I animated the scale of the layer and the width of the stroke to have the latter diminish as it reached its end scale, thus disappearing. I duplicated this and timed it with the heart, although offsetting it in time slightly.
I then brought in a background image and had the scale mimic the heart, albeit a bit more dramatically to add some visual interest. I finally added some glows to give it some moodiness.
Enjoy.
My heart grew hot within me: and in my meditation a fire shall flame out.
(Psalm 38:4 DR)
View a higher quality version of this gif here: